I was ecstatic when I heard about J. K. Rowling signing on to do a film based on Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them, and I thought, why stop there?! Why not expand the film franchise even more? I’ve developed a series of pitches for further magical films, thinking of the merchandising! Instant butterbeer powder, talking Hermoine Granger dolls (complete with withering glare). I think Warner Bros should hire me, as I know the following list is worth gold. Right?
Warner Bros Should Hire Me: Expanding The Magical World Of Harry Potter
Hogwarts A History: As Narrated By Hermoine Granger
What seedy history is entrenched in those hallowed walls? What secrets do the paintings keep? As narrated by Hogwarts Enthusiast, Hermoine Granger, this documentary will focus on the extensive history of the castle, the campus’ grounds and staff.
Merchandising: Miniature Whomping Willow plants for sale from Home Depot. A boxed package will include one plant, a medical kit and health insurance.
The Life And Lies Of Albus Dumbledore
As adapted from Rita Skeeter’s titillating tell-all, The Life And Lies Of Albus Dumbledore will focus on the young and budding career of the the Dumbledore we all know and love. What darkness lurked behind his half-moon speckles? What genius hid beneath his towering hat?
Merchandising: Link up with Lens-Crafters to sell a range of Dumbledore speckles, complete with magical x-ray vision.
The Magical Making Of Wands
This documentary will focus on the many controversies of wand lore, complete with history, facts from current scholars and a detailed description on how wands are made by Ollivanders. For example, why are Ollivander wands considered more special than those from Gregorovich? How can a wand really choose a wizard, and how the hell can I get one?
Merchandising: Wand-making kit, complete with tips, hints and tricks for families as they catch their own unicorn hair or dragon heart string!
Magic Is Might: The Startling Reality Of Common House Elves
Taking off from Granger’s SPEW, this documentary exposes the startlingly cruel life House Elves lead. Where did House Elf slavery come from? Who was the first House Elf? Why are they not allowed to carry wands? This documentary will feature a question and answer session with Ms. Hermoine Granger herself, and a memorial to the bravest House Elf that ever lived, Dobby.
Merchandising: Grow your own house elf at home! Enslave it for life!
Friends Or Foes? The Hogwarts Four Unriddled
Who were these magical four? Where did they come from? How did they get together to form the best magical school ever known? What secrets lurked in Slytherin’s heart? Was he secretly in love with Ravenclaw? And was Hufflepuff as good at heart as she tried to make others think? The Hogwarts Four are thoroughly unriddled in this 5 hour creative adaptation, directed by Luna Lovegood.
Merchandising: Develop a line of products based on heirlooms from each Hogwarts founder, including multicolored Ravenclaw tiara’s.
Pompous PureBloods: The Extravagant Life Styles Of The Rich And Depraved
Ever wondered what devious secrets and dark magic take place in the lives of the rich and PureBlood? This documentary follows 3 magical blood lines as they trace their historical ancestry and spill their family secrets. No topic is off limits!
Merchandising: Your own Pureblood action figure that can walk and curse! Boxed figure will include a dictionary of insults and detailed instructions on how to destroy the toy (We recommend lighting it on fire).
Now let it be known that though I love the Harry Potter series, I don’t actually want it to be exploited to the point of lunacy, but I sure as hell had fun coming up with these titles! This actually started off serious but then I gave up and decided to have fun with it. Though I would actually like to see a film on Hogwarts history and the life of Albus Dumbledore.
Other Harry Potter posts here:
- (3) My Hogwarts Course Load
- (2) A Letter To Dumbledore: Where’s My Damn Letter?
- (1) Harry Potter And The Blanket Of Ashes
- Ode To Harry Potter
- Happy Hour: Wizard’s Choice (A Harry Potter Treat)
- Happy Hour: Quirky’s Butterbeer Martini (A Harry Potter Treat)
- Bat-List-Crazy: 7 Reasons Why Harry Potter Is Better For You Than Chocolate When Weepy
- Lessons From My Father