It’s me, Claire. You know, that stalker-shortie in The Bahamas who has patiently been waiting for her Hogwarts letter since 2000, when she turned 11. It’s OK, I forgive you. I realise that you died a few years before I turned 11 but I’m still sending you this letter anyway, maybe your portrait can shimmie it into the cloak of the current Hogwarts Headmaster? Come on- Do this muggle a solid!
But I digress, I’m writing you this letter because I’m tired of waiting for my Hogwarts letter. At 23, I think it’s hard for you to not notice my magical abilities. For instance, if I think I’m sick or think my friend has a bug, and think hard about it enough, I get it too! In the muggle world they call that hypochondria, but we both know that it’s my magic showing through. So send me my damn letter already! Besides, if you keep waiting, I’ll be the oldest person in Year 1, though I’ve read all of the Hogwarts books I could get my hand on and I’ve waved a couple of chopsticks around and think I saw sparks so I think I have Charms + Transfiguration down with no problems! We might have a problem with potions though, think you could get me out of that one?
I can even make this easier for you, and tell you what house I’d be in. Just put me in Ravenclaw OK? I can’t be in Gryffindor, they value bravery, daring, nerve, and chivalry. Not that I’m not chivalrous or daring! But I will admit that I am likely to hide behind a friend of a mountain troll wondered into the dungeon. And I panic easily. So no Gryffindor OK? Besides, I dislike the color gold, pah!
I could be in Slytherin, they value ambition, cunning and resourcefulness as you know. I’m definetly ambitious (Haven’t I been sending you a letter every year since I was 11?) and didn’t I threaten to kidnap a house-elf or two? I swear that shows cunning and resourcefulness but blue and silver really aren’t my colors and bring from The Bahamas, I think that their dungeon might be a tad too cold for me.
So now we get to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. I’d be in Hufflepuff, loyalty is my thing but oops, I remember now, they value patience and we really can’t say that is my thing– huh? Ravenclaw it is! My bestie and I have it all figured out, we can share a dorm area together and we’d practice super hard to magic our way up to Year 7! I’m witty, and I love knowledge (who has read Fantastic Beasts more than me? Now listen here Dumbledore, I like to read about the beasts, but I’d fail miserably in the class– I jump too easily, so don’t get any fresh ideas and bewitch my schedule OK!).
I’ve figured it all out for you Dumbledore, my bestie and I have it all figured out. We’ve made it so easy for you, we’ve got our trunks packed and money sorted (Just send me an owl and a plane ticket can be booked! Or floo powder, but we don’t have fire places in The Bahamas… so maybe a plane is best, yes?). I’ve even figured out what my course load will look like so none of that wishy-washy indecisiveness from me (I’ll explain my course load in another letter to you OK? That cool Dumblie-dooore? I can call you that, right?).
I get it that you’re a busy man, well, sort of (Sorry about being dead and all). But it’s all right here Dumbledore! It’s all figured out! Now please, send me my damn letter.
House by the beach,
P.S. I’ve left some treats for your owl! I hope they like native fruits and seeds!
P.S.S. I don’t recommend sending my letter on my birthday, it’s in August and that’s hurricane season and I don’t want your owl to get all beat up by the storm. Or die. That too.
P.S.S.S. Liked my inclusion of the Hogwarts crest? It’s made for me!
So I hope yall enjoyed this letter of mine! I was inspired by Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and figured, if Lockhart could BS his way into Hogwarts, I could too right?! I had a friend help (actually, 2 geeky friends of mine, you know who you are!) and we literally talked about Hogwarts, our ideal class schedule, talents, not-so-talented bits, houses, cloak styles, colors and brooms for about 3 hours. The wine didn’t help but we were dead serious: We were meant to be in Hogwarts. We even created a Caribbean version of Hogwarts but it quickly dissolved into too much noise. So British Hogwarts it is! Don’t think me too stalkerish or geeky, this is all in good fun! But really, Ravenclaw FOR THE WIN!